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My Near Death Experience 012607

Last night, an opportunity came up. One I’ve been waiting for since I was 12. But then again, I could be reading the wrong signs. I have been depressed for quite some time now. Life was a constant torture to me. I never asked for it but yet I am here trying to go with my flow.

Recently, I have been doing some things more frequently than before. I can’t really explain why I do it. I just do. It’s all part of the flow, my flow. I was supposed to get high last night. But instead what I felt was a really sharp pain in my chest coupled with difficulty in breathing. The next thing I knew, my hands started to feel numb and I couldn’t move them anymore. Then the same thing happened to my legs. It’s like my whole body was shutting down. I got scared when it reached my stomach area. I could barely stay conscious. I can’t even talk anymore. My tongue was dry and salty even down through my throat. My body was dehydrating. Terror started to sink in. My thoughts were extremely clearer than before. I just had no control of my body. Staying awake was the hardest thing to do. If I fell asleep, will I wake up again? And if I do, will I still be functioning like a normal human being? With that in mind, I just decided to do my best to stay awake.

A little over an hour, I was able to gain control of my motor functions again. But still, everything else felt like hell. Even right now, as I am typing this, I am in pain. There’s no one else to blame for this but me. I did everything to destroy myself and once I had the chance to let go, I decided to just stay. Life scares me more than death, but then again I wasn’t sure if death was really coming for me. It may just be a panic attack. With all the medicine that I was taking this week plus my vices, this was bound to happen. And it is not that my friends didn’t warm me before. They did. I just didn’t listen. Why? I really don’t know. What pisses me off the most is that even during the time I could lose myself; I still got a grip on what’s going on. I still had control of what I wanted to happen. I could still instruct people to help me and get help. My mind was fighting to gain control of my situation. There was still something in me that wanted to stay alive.

My mind feels great because it made its point that nothing is impossible. My body just got most of the hits. Mild heart attack at 26, I always predicted a triple-bypass by 28. Should I change my lifestyle? I did care enough to live through my experience last night. Might as well start changing.

2006 was a great year for me. I had a lot of unforgettable experiences and I also met a lot of interesting people along the way. It just goes to show that we all get older each year. Adding years to your age doesn’t necessarily make you wiser though. Well, maybe for some it does, but for me, I just get by. Being alive today does mean a lot. I guess that’s quite some accomplishment.

I spent most of last year here in Beijing trying to get away from my life back home. It was actually a welcome change to my old life back home. But nothing is perfect. There are things that I do regret doing or things I wished never had happened. Being alone here made me more emotional. I felt happy, sad, frustrated, in love, mad and whatever there is to feel. To think about being so alive with emotions and drama feels great but it does get tiring.

Last night, I welcomed the New Year drunk. Not as shit-faced as I want. But I guess it will do. Maybe for about an hour last night I was totally free, free from the shackles of society but yet in a safe enough environment with people I care about and trust with my life. Life is good but yet it sucks. I won’t say I had a bad year, but it wasn’t a good one either. Life is like the beer we drink. We are one with the mug.

I’m glad that things happened. There is nothing to be regretful about. Life is too short to have regrets. No one knows what will happen tomorrow. We can only want for things to happen. Sometimes we can even try our best to manipulate situations to favor what we want, but chances for it to actually occur are still 50-50.

You have made this phase of my life extremely meaningful and happy. I see things in a better and more optimistic way now. In more that a million ways, you have saved me and this I can’t fully explain in words. I know that there are things I am really stubborn about and probably won’t change till the last minute. Right now, I am just writing a letter to you that you would probably not get to read anymore. This is actually a letter of thanks for the joy you have brought to me. From the way you picked me up from the wreck I was to the wreck I am now.

Let me tell you what you are to me. You are a great person. I know you can be friendly to everyone and I probably am just one of those who got really close to you and nothing more. To me you are special. Something I might spend another 26 years till I find one again.

Everything I experienced with you will be a memory to be treasured. Although you may have a bad memory, I do remember everything. And maybe I can tell you about it when we see each other again in the future.

Things are actually quite rough for me right now. Even if I want to see and be with you, I can’t because it causes so much controversy for the people close to you. I am an evil weed that just popped into your lives.

I find it hard to stay away from you. Sometimes I just sit and think if ever you felt something different for me. It does bring a smile to me face occasionally when I think of it.

Right now, I am on stolen time and hanging on to it. If ever you get to read this letter, I hope you don’t get mad or feel awkward. I don’t want you think I am an obsessed fan or a stalker. Sometimes happiness just comes to you and you just want to hold on to it forever no matter what the consequences are. I want you to know that I miss you every single moment that I am not with you. It’s not the healthiest of things but I don’t care. Moments like these only come once in a lifetime. I am proud of saying that I fell for you and I respect you for who you are and what you are to me. I love you.

Going Home 010507

After almost a year in Beijing, I am going home. Someone once said that home is a destination, a goal. To me, I guess it’s a safe refuge. I came here to get away from it all just to realize that I had it all back home. It doesn’t matter now. There is no use of looking back or going back permanently. I can only move on.

I have lost several loved ones that were really close to me during my stay here. Be it that they decided to move on or they just passed away. Death is a part of life. It’s something you cannot control. No one can control the time they have on this earth. I learned that lesson the hard way. I’ve always thought that your loved ones would at least wait for your return before they sleep permanently. Unfortunately, they don’t.

I talked to my grandmother today on the phone. She could barely finish sentences without having difficulty catching her breath. She told me she would be going to the US next month. I asked her if she was going on a cruise as usual and she told me that she just had to go there and that she wasn’t going on a cruise. She didn’t say anything else but I do get what she means. Sometimes, people can feel their time coming. They give clues but you have to listen very well. The last time a person said that to me, I neglected it. That person was my other grandmother, couple of days later after saying that to me, she passed away. Up to this day, I still feel numb about it. Her death never sank in. Was it because I was not there? I moved on. But from time to time I still dwell on these things and think about the “what ifs.” Life just keeps on surprising us everyday. Sometimes you have a good day, sometimes you don’t. The bottom line is that we can’t really control our lives. There are too many conditions that manipulate us to make us who we are. It’s not nature vs nurture but actually nature plus nurture. We are who we are and when the time comes, and note that we can never actually tell when that time will actually come; we close our eyes in permanent slumber not knowing what lies ahead. Thus the saying “let us make the most of our lives” becomes our sole purpose in life.

We were born and raised differently from one another so we can’t really want the same things. I guess that’s why there is so much chaos in the world today. Everything is misunderstood. Some want to be on top and some would happily stay at the bottom. We complain. Others become proactive. Whatever we do, we all think that we’re making the most out of our lives. I need a break from all of this. I am going home.

A long, long time ago, lived a princess filled with youth, beauty and innocence. She lived in a castle so well protected that she never saw the real world outside. In a way, there was nothing else she had to see outside because her world was filled with love. Prince Charming keeps her happy. They are happily engaged and waiting for the day of their marriage.

One day, the princess decided to leave the four walls of her castle to go on adventure. But since the prince was busy with his political career, she had to go on her own. Her parents, knowing that she hasn’t been exposed to the real world before, sent 3 of the most vicious witches in the land to protect her. These witches looked like fairy godmothers, only that they were evil. They were instructed to keep a safe distance from the princess to keep her identity safe.

The princess didn’t like the idea of having such people follow her around but she had no choice. Two of her closest friends from her childhood decided to come along for their friend’s great adventure. One of the two was a guy that was in love with the princess from childhood and the other was a girl who was in love with the guy. Unfortunately, these two were blood related to each other, eliminating the fact that they could be together someday. With this trip, she was going to have her chance with her cousin and the guy was going to have a chance to steal the princess away from her Prince Charming.

The day came and they were of to their adventure. Along the way, they encountered a farm boy and asked for directions because they were lost. The farm boy gladly showed them the way. The princess was quite intrigued with the farm boy because she had never met anyone outside the castle before. This farm boy was talkative and unafraid to say anything. This, of course bugged her at first but she suddenly realized that, that was true freedom. To be able to do whatever you want to do and live on your own.

She wasn’t exactly kind to this farm boy, always demanding things and having him go through a lot of trouble during the journey. He gave her everything she wanted. Her every whim was for him to obey. He did it without hesitation. For the farm boy, she was the most perfect thing she had ever seen in her entire life.

Meanwhile, the guy friend was always trying to woo the princess and since his cousin wants him to be happy, she helped too, leaving the farm boy to carry their stuff and show the way while they chat and flirt away.

The princess eventually noticed the kindness of the farm boy and started to talk and converse with him. She learned new things she had never heard of before. She began to have fun in a new way. They got close. He started to have feelings for her and she, in a way did too. It was evident to the evil fairy godmothers that something was going on and they had to put a stop to it. They began hexing the farm boy. Sometimes the farm boy would do the most absurd gestures in front of the princess. These evil creatures wanted the princess to hate him for being who he is.

It worked. The farm boy was now all alone. And the witches kind of consented with the other guy flirting with the princess because the guy did have a certain status in society unlike the poor farm boy.

Being a good sport, the farm boy still showed them around and helped as much as he could. He was now a slave of love. One day, he decided to let go. So he went up to the princess and apologized for cutting the journey short because he didn’t want to get to involved anymore. But she cried and asked him to stay. She also gave him more attention but it wasn’t going to last. She still loves her prince charming and the farm boy was going to take the fall for it.

The witches became desperate and conspired with the princess’ friends to get rid of the farm boy. This time they put a spell on the girl, a truth spell. She sent a telegram to Prince Charming telling him of her feelings and what was going on. The prince told her to stay away from the farm boy but did not cancel their wedding. And with that, she was happy and obeyed her future husband’s wishes.

The princess had no thought of how she could break it to the farm boy. So she recruited her friends to help her out. Her friend’s suddenly surrounded her like a pack of vultures, making it impossible for her and the farm boy to communicate. The journey was quickly coming to an end and the farm boy understood. He never had a chance. Riches and mud do not mix. But he did his best to follow his heart and lost.

The story ends with a happy ending for everyone else except the farm boy, whom no one remembers. The princess married her prince and occasionally had an affair with her friend. Her friend secretly married his cousin. The witches became proud guardians of their kingdom and these people in their kingdom lived happily ever after, never again attempting to go out of the gates of their kingdom ever again. The end.

Ever since I knew you
I have fallen for you countless times over and over again
I fall in love with you every time you smile
It makes me feel good inside
I fall in love with you every time you concentrate when you study or watch TV
You don’t know how cute you look
I fall in love with you every time I see you with or without make-up
You’re the most beautiful thing I have ever seen
I fall in love with you every time you’re there for me when I am upset
You have a way of making everything alright
I fall in love with the way you cook
Every meal is perfectly prepared
I fall in love with you every time I see you sleeping
It just seems that the world is so much peaceful now
I fall in love with you every time I realize how much you care
Just by thinking of you makes me feel I am blessed
Life has been a lot brighter with you around
You have saved me more than once and I owe a lot to you
Right now I am just falling… falling totally and completely
I see the ground and you standing there
The question is: will you catch me?

To be continued…

Today, I woke up to the most beautiful sight I have ever laid my eyes on just right beside me. You know that right at that very moment that everything will be alright. I can’t describe the feeling when you’re in the presence of someone that in more than one way has uplifted the lonely and boring life you had before. Sometimes you just wake up realizing how blessed you are…

I remember watching “While You Were Sleeping” in our English class in high school. It’s a story about some girl who had a crush on a guy that doesn’t know her. The guy apparently got mugged and fell on a train track to be saved by the girl. Apparently, the guy fell on a coma and everyone thought the girl was his fiancée. Then she meets the guy’s brother and falls in love with him. It’s a story about love at second sight.

Anyway, it’s just a story. But it just feels good to remember stuff you grew up watching. I mean its English class and we get to watch movies. I remember watching other movies like “Dad” and “Rudy.” I am sure there are a lot more. Funny thing is I never really changed. Deep down, I am still the little kid that believes in a happy ending. Not that my life is going that way right now. Life is still confusing to me as the day I started to think for myself. Things never turn out the way you want them to be. Well actually they can if you’re some rich business man’s kid or really lucky. The mumbo-jumbo about success or getting what you want is all about working hard and persevering. That’s not true. I have seen people stress themselves out for nothing. Some do get cancer or something worse. It’s all about being on the right side of the food chain. Unfortunately, I still find myself on the bottom. But its ok I guess. Guess sometimes I am luckier than most people are but I am just too slow reading the signs along the way.

Right now I am confused. Heck! I always am. Sometimes you want something you can’t have so badly that you can’t get your mind off of it. I want it right now more than anything in the world. It’s called happiness. But for some reason, I can’t have it. I want to but I just can’t handle it well enough. It’s going to slip away eventually and I plan to stop it. The question now is how?

You know the feeling when you’re driving your dream car? It probably feels great. Actually, it does feel great. But in the back of your mind, you know it’s not yours. You’ll have to give it up someday. But still, the excitement is unimaginable. You feel happy and you want to spend as much time with it until the day you part ways.

Everyone can drive. But it takes much more to enjoy your dream car. You must be one with it. The rush feels like heaven and borrowed time makes you want to go faster… beyond the red line. At the same time, you’re very careful so that nothing will happen to it. Crashing it won’t do you any good. It ruins everything.

But how often do you get to drive your dream car? People always tell you to take all the opportunities that come your way. Yet, we let our conscience decide. Everything comes with a certain consequence. We all must live it. The important thing here is the attitude and how we deal with the consequence.

I woke up yesterday feeling like the luckiest man alive. True, life isn’t close to perfect. But then again, perfection is subjective, so as everything else. Everyone knows I am a very bitter person. It’s like I am always depressed about something… I don’t like my job… My love life sucks… I am still driving my 17 year old car… I can’t afford the things I want and so on and so forth.

Yesterday was totally different. It was kinda funny too. I had a bad dream the night before. I can’t remember what it was about and therefore, I already assumed that I was gonna have a bad day. I was sitting on my chair when my roommate was about to leave for school. She greeted me with a warm “good morning, have a nice day at work today” and that was it. I then realized that life wasn’t all about the crap I wanted, but it was about the stuff I already have. I live with a very beautiful and intelligent lady. It is just nice to know that I wake up to that almost every morning now. And now she’s going home for Christmas, so guess I’ll see her when I see her then.

Next, we have my job. Seriously, how lucky am I to have a job here in Beijing right now. It pays quite well and I control my time. Well instead of cherishing it, I’ve been trying to get rid of it for the past couple of weeks. What the hell is wrong with me!? I have been complaining about something that has been supporting me for 3 months now!

Last and most importantly, my friends and the people around me that have been giving me support over my endless whining. These people I sometimes neglect because I am too busy with my problems that I now realize don’t necessarily exist. Despite that, what do they do? They are always there for me, teaching me to go the right path and stay out of the trouble I normally get myself into. But there are a few I would like to commend right now. First, the 2 people that came to visit me last night because they were concerned about me getting into trouble again. Next, the couple that has always took care of me and made sure I was ok and my Winston supplier in China. Lastly, I would like to be grateful for the person I call “my little sis’” for always being here for me and getting me back on my feet and making me realize that life is a wonderful thing even though it will never be close to perfect for everyone. But there is always room in our eyes for it. Sometimes mediocrity is perfection. It’s all in the way we look at it. Ü

out of confusion, i decided to quit my job... why, i really don't know. my excuse is simply because my salary is always late and i'll have more money if i don't have this job. but then again, im lost. i forgot that im getting old and need to find some sort of financial stability.

funny thought: i am already 26 but i am still as confused as the day i came out of my mother's womb. age is frustrating... life is crazy. sometimes i don't know if i am making the right decisions. am i letting my heart or my mind decide. actually, i don't even know which one does my thinking for me. what i would give to get 5 years off my current age.

on the brighter side, at least i know i am alive cuz i feel a lot of things even though most of the time i am confused. but lately, i am in a happy-confused state and not my usual depressed-confused one. i know it would be a lot better if i was just happy-happy minus the confusion. well, i am only human and its only right that i should be happy... even for just a few moments. i do hope it would last. but i kinda see the near future already. i know im about to crash again soon. but for now, i want to hold onto it till spring time. though i wish it would finally last for a life time, i know its just wishful thinking. it's wrong and i know i won't get far. it's hard when you're hooked and knowing you'll have to give up and keep the secret all to yourself because it's wrong. i have enough karma already, i don't want to have bad luck all my life. i am on a free fall... i can see the ground... hope i land on something soft.

Last night, I dreamt that I was sleeping in the most peaceful way anyone could ever imagine in the blanket I used back home. I felt so at peace with my dream that I didn’t want to wake up from it. But eventually, I needed to get up and go to work so I can continue paying my bills.

Here I am, in the office looking up dream interpretations. Turns out, I am ending a stage in my life right now. I am at peace and I feel loved and secured with my trusted blanket. If I am interpreting things right, it just means that my family loves me as symbolized by the blanket where I am so happy cuddling in; and the peace that I felt means that I have finally gotten over a storm in my life. Yep, I am letting a lot of crap go.

It truly is autumn. Leaves are starting to fall off trees, just like friends falling out of touch because they are not in season anymore. I know you’ll be gone soon. Why does it bother so much? It happens to me all the time. Sometimes I wish I just didn’t care. Things will be a lot easier.

My life is definitely seasonal. Sadly for me, my seasons always change. No two seasons will ever the same. I just wish that for once, I could live that summer forever. Though the leaves may be dry, at least they are still there. And you can always water them to keep them green.

Life is all about change. We all change. But I am really sick and tired of change. For once I wish I could make the season stay. Maybe settle down a bit. I know there are still many more important things in life than this. Moving on is the best way to live life. I just don’t want to move on anymore. I want to just hang there. Just for a change, I wish I could fall for a summer like this one. It’s just perfect. This one is climbing up the charts. I would trade it all to keep it this way. To have you here with me all the time and I won’t need anything else.

Today marks the start of my personal autumn. Waking up to a cool and placid reality, I don’t know if I should feel happy or depressed about it. I have been depressed for quite sometime now. But there are still those moments that I wish would last forever.

Growing up in such a competitive environment, people should have the right tools to survive. But unfortunately in my case, I still need to obtain a lot. Aside from the tools, you also need the proper mindset to achieve your goals. Being a pessimist won’t help. Take note: a pessimist is totally different from a realist. But there are times you can’t really tell the difference.

Last night, I talked to my mom because my brother ran into some sort of life-threatening accident which kind of affected the functions of his heart. It was a good thing his teacher rushed him to the “ER” and the people did the right thing of injecting something that would make his heart work properly again. As usual, my mom mentioned the regular family problems which basically revolve around money and jealousy. It does make me feel that I made the right choice to stay in Beijing.

Looking onto my reality, these are some of the things I realized: that I was made to be alone. No matter how I try to keep people in my life, I can’t ever keep anyone. It’s a curse that haunts me from childhood. Worse part is the people I can’t keep are the people I want to keep the most. I guess that is my reality. It’s something I can change but cannot because I need to consider certain things about my future. I tell you, it’s a fuckin’ curse! Yet, it is something I must live with. Another thing, I can’t seem to make anything work my way. Sure, there’s a saying that “If God closes a door, He opens another window;” meaning that life will always give you more than you expect. I never wanted to be in marketing. Marketing came to me. I guess it is God way of saying; you’re fit for the job. But if I am fit for the job, why don’t I get the best packages ever. I am never the best… sometimes not even mediocre. I know myself well enough to know that almost everyone is better than me. But it doesn’t really matter because I don’t care that much about it anyway. I am just saying that I want to experience the good life as well. I know that there are trade-offs but I guess just to feel superior for a change. We all try, but unfortunately, not everyone gets to the top. So the solution to success is not hard work, it’s with who you know and how low you’re willing to stoop.

Today, I woke up to reality, to the reality that life is unfair. The world is not just a big round ball, but one with spikes all over it, making every step a painful one. Don’t get me wrong, I am not being bitter; I am just being a realist. In a way, I have accepted my life. And I know that I have my share of the good moments just like everyone else. I just have to cherish them because all I know is that those moments are the things I would hold most dear to me. I just hope I don’t get Alzheimer’s, cuz I don’t want to lose the only thing that makes my life worth living.

I know for a fact tonight marked the last night of my summer. Just like every section of my life, it always came to an end before I could really enjoy it. But who am I to decide the season of which my life is in now?

As her bike came in through my gate tonight, I felt different. I know I like her. But then I have been wrong most my life. Even if I am right this time, I have decided to just keep it that way. It doesn’t really bother me that much anymore. There are better things in life to just worry about “the one who got away.” It’s about time I grew up and stopped believing in this thing called love and destiny. Maybe she’s right. It won’t matter much anyway because I can’t really handle these kinds of things anymore. I am tired and too numb to feel.

Hopefully, I will be better in the future. But for now, I’ll just let things be.

Finding Me

Left home to go on an adventure
Traveling miles to find something new
Life may have more to offer here
There’s nothing here but a view

I can’t stand this confusion
I still don’t know what to do
I don’t know what’s wrong with my approach
All I want is to find something true

Everything is false on this world
Maybe it’s the way things should be
But I learned from someone that we make our lives
Going with the flow is just a bit too easy

But I needed the change
Now, it has happened I feel numb
Trying to think of times that passed
Just makes me look kinda dumb

Forgetting the world I left behind
Building a new memory
Starting from scratch
In a whole different city

It goes on and on
Hoping I’ll be home soon