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My Near Death Experience 012607
Last night, an opportunity came up. One I’ve been waiting for since I was 12. But then again, I could be reading the wrong signs. I have been depressed for quite some time now. Life was a constant torture to me. I never asked for it but yet I am here trying to go with my flow.
Recently, I have been doing some things more frequently than before. I can’t really explain why I do it. I just do. It’s all part of the flow, my flow. I was supposed to get high last night. But instead what I felt was a really sharp pain in my chest coupled with difficulty in breathing. The next thing I knew, my hands started to feel numb and I couldn’t move them anymore. Then the same thing happened to my legs. It’s like my whole body was shutting down. I got scared when it reached my stomach area. I could barely stay conscious. I can’t even talk anymore. My tongue was dry and salty even down through my throat. My body was dehydrating. Terror started to sink in. My thoughts were extremely clearer than before. I just had no control of my body. Staying awake was the hardest thing to do. If I fell asleep, will I wake up again? And if I do, will I still be functioning like a normal human being? With that in mind, I just decided to do my best to stay awake.
A little over an hour, I was able to gain control of my motor functions again. But still, everything else felt like hell. Even right now, as I am typing this, I am in pain. There’s no one else to blame for this but me. I did everything to destroy myself and once I had the chance to let go, I decided to just stay. Life scares me more than death, but then again I wasn’t sure if death was really coming for me. It may just be a panic attack. With all the medicine that I was taking this week plus my vices, this was bound to happen. And it is not that my friends didn’t warm me before. They did. I just didn’t listen. Why? I really don’t know. What pisses me off the most is that even during the time I could lose myself; I still got a grip on what’s going on. I still had control of what I wanted to happen. I could still instruct people to help me and get help. My mind was fighting to gain control of my situation. There was still something in me that wanted to stay alive.
My mind feels great because it made its point that nothing is impossible. My body just got most of the hits. Mild heart attack at 26, I always predicted a triple-bypass by 28. Should I change my lifestyle? I did care enough to live through my experience last night. Might as well start changing.
Last night, an opportunity came up. One I’ve been waiting for since I was 12. But then again, I could be reading the wrong signs. I have been depressed for quite some time now. Life was a constant torture to me. I never asked for it but yet I am here trying to go with my flow.
Recently, I have been doing some things more frequently than before. I can’t really explain why I do it. I just do. It’s all part of the flow, my flow. I was supposed to get high last night. But instead what I felt was a really sharp pain in my chest coupled with difficulty in breathing. The next thing I knew, my hands started to feel numb and I couldn’t move them anymore. Then the same thing happened to my legs. It’s like my whole body was shutting down. I got scared when it reached my stomach area. I could barely stay conscious. I can’t even talk anymore. My tongue was dry and salty even down through my throat. My body was dehydrating. Terror started to sink in. My thoughts were extremely clearer than before. I just had no control of my body. Staying awake was the hardest thing to do. If I fell asleep, will I wake up again? And if I do, will I still be functioning like a normal human being? With that in mind, I just decided to do my best to stay awake.
A little over an hour, I was able to gain control of my motor functions again. But still, everything else felt like hell. Even right now, as I am typing this, I am in pain. There’s no one else to blame for this but me. I did everything to destroy myself and once I had the chance to let go, I decided to just stay. Life scares me more than death, but then again I wasn’t sure if death was really coming for me. It may just be a panic attack. With all the medicine that I was taking this week plus my vices, this was bound to happen. And it is not that my friends didn’t warm me before. They did. I just didn’t listen. Why? I really don’t know. What pisses me off the most is that even during the time I could lose myself; I still got a grip on what’s going on. I still had control of what I wanted to happen. I could still instruct people to help me and get help. My mind was fighting to gain control of my situation. There was still something in me that wanted to stay alive.
My mind feels great because it made its point that nothing is impossible. My body just got most of the hits. Mild heart attack at 26, I always predicted a triple-bypass by 28. Should I change my lifestyle? I did care enough to live through my experience last night. Might as well start changing.